Why Australia is a must visit just once in your life
Most of us start in Sydney because it is the polite thing to do. Standing in front of the Opera House is a rite of passage, though I must admit, up close the tiles look a bit like very expensive bathroom flooring. It is magnificent, of course, but the real joy is the harbour itself. Taking the ferry to Manly is the best value for money you will find in the city. You get the wind in your hair and a view of the "coathanger" (the Harbour Bridge) without having to pay three hundred dollars to climb it in a jumpsuit that makes you look like a Teletubby.
After the coastal glitz, you eventually have to face the Red Centre. Flying into Uluru is a surreal experience. It is just a very big, very red rock in the middle of a whole lot of nothing, and yet it is utterly captivating. There is a spiritual weight to the place that makes you feel remarkably small. Watching the sunset turn the sandstone from orange to a deep, bruised purple is worth every fly that tries to take up residence in your nostrils. Pro tip: buy the head net. You will look like a beekeeper having a midlife crisis, but you will keep your sanity. Then there is the Great Barrier Reef. I headed up to Port Douglas, where the water is the colour of a Tupperware bowl and just as warm. Snorkelling there is like being dropped into a high-definition screensaver. I spent an hour trailing a sea turtle who seemed entirely unimpressed by my presence. It is a fragile, beautiful masterpiece, and standing on the deck of a boat afterwards, sipping a cold drink while the sun dips below the Coral Sea, you start to understand why people move here and never go home.
The real challenge for any visitor is the lingo. I spent my first three days nodding politely whenever someone mentioned a "servo" (petrol station), a "bottle-o" (off-license), or an "arvo" (afternoon). By day four, I was calling people "mate" with a confidence I hadn't earned. There is a wonderful, laid back energy to the Australians that is infectious. They have a way of making you feel like the world isn't actually ending, even when the temperature hits 38°C and the tarmac is melting your flip-flops (sorry, "thongs"). In the end, Australia is less of a holiday and more of an endurance test for your senses. It is too big, too hot, and far too far away, but the sheer scale of the beauty makes our little island feel a bit like a well-kept garden. |
Setting off for Australia always feels like a bit of a dare. It is the only holiday destination where the pre-flight briefing feels less like a travel guide and more like a risk assessment. You spend fourteen hours in a pressurized metal tube only to land in a place where the sun is trying to cook you, the birds are trying to headbutt you, and the locals have replaced half the English language with words ending in "o" or "ie." Yet, despite the terrifying flight time and the very real possibility of being outsmarted by a magpie, it remains the ultimate pilgrimage.
If you venture to Bondi Beach, you will quickly realise that the "glamour" is mostly populated by people who have clearly never eaten a biscuit in their lives I spent my a.fternoon there trying to look athletic while actually just focusing on not being swept out to New Zealand by a rogue wave.
The rule here is simple: swim between the red and yellow flags. If you don't, a bronzed lifeguard will yell at you through a megaphone, which is a level of public shaming no Brit is truly prepared for.
Of course, the wildlife is the main event. Before I left, I was told that everything in Australia wants to kill you. This is a slight exaggeration. Most things just want to be left alone, except for the kangaroos, which are essentially deer that have spent too much time at the gym. Seeing a koala in the wild is a highlight, though they mostly just sleep and look like they’ve had a very long night at the pub.
You come home with a suitcase full of red dust, a slightly more aggressive tan, and a deep, soul-level appreciation for the fact that back in England, the most dangerous animal you’re likely to face is a particularly grumpy swan.
